


my gift to you is my heart

by momentsofziam



Series: Oneshots [5]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Child Abuse, Depression, M/M, Suicide, mentions of the other boys - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsofziam/pseuds/momentsofziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn likes that he’s the only one who remembers Liam’s birthdays. Until Liam’s not there anymore and he forgot to give him what could have changed it all. His heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my gift to you is my heart

my gift to you is my heart

”Hey.” Zayn says quietly and watch as the boy on the balcony opposite his own’s head snaps up.  
”Hi.” He replies shyly and wipe the tears from his eyes.

”Why are you crying?” Zayn asks and the boy shrugs his shoulders. ”You don’t know?”

”It’s my birthday.” He says sadly and Zayn tilt his head in confusion.

”You’re not supposed to be sad when it’s your birthday.” Zayn replies matter of factly.

”No one came to my birthday party.” The boy responds and Zayn frowns.

”Maybe the invitations got lost in the mail? I heard my mum talking once and she said that could happen.” Zayn says.

”Maybe. I told them in school too though. They don’t like me very much.” The boy replies.

”Well I like you. I’m Zayn! We just moved here.” He says and smile.

”I’m Liam.” The boy bite his lip and then look up from staring at his hands. ”How old are you?”

”I’m 8! Mum said I’m a big boy now!” Zayn replies and hold up 8 fingers.

”Really?” Liam ask and smile for the first time that night, showing off his missing front tooth. ”I’m 8 too!”

”I think we’re gonna the bestest of friends forever and always. Don’t you?” Zayn asks with a smile.  
”I think so too. Then you’ll be my first friend!” Liam smiles widely and Zayn looks at him strangely.

”You don’t have any friends?” He asks and Liam shakes his head. ”I used to have tons of friends but then we moved.”

”Do you miss them?” Liam asks and Zayn nods his head quickly.

”Yes but mum said we could visit them and that they could even come to visit me!” Zayn replies.

”That’s good.” Liam sighs and then look at Zayn with big, round, brown eyes. ”Hey Zayn, is it nice? Having friends, I mean?”

”Yeah we always play together, but only after I’ve finished homework. Sometimes, we pretend we’re pirates stranded on a desert island and we build a big pirateship and we even have swords that my dad made for us!” Zayn explaines and Liam’s eyes grow wide along with his smile.

”Really? Wow that’s sounds cool! Can we play pirates sometime too? I’ve never done that!” Liam asks and Zayn nods his head enthusiastically.

”And I can ask dad if he can make you a sword too!” Liam’s smile grow even bigger at that and Zayn decideds he really likes it when Liam smiles.

”Would he really-” Liam stops suddenly and turns around to look into his room. His eyes are wide, but this time with fear. He scrambles up on his legs and wave goodbye to Zayn quickly. ”I have to go!”

”Bye!” Zayn yells and wave at him. He stays where he’s seated for a little while longer and look into Liam’s room. A big man comes into view and grab onto Liam’s arms tightly, shaking his tiny body as he yells at him.

”What were you doing out on that balcony? You know you’re not allowed out there! Were you talking to someone? What were you doing Liam? You worthless piece of shit!”

And when the big man hits Liam so hard that he falls to the floor crying, Zayn turns around wide eyed and runs into his own room. He closes the door to his balcony and pulls down the curtains to cover his window.

Liam isn’t out on the balcony the next day and Zayn pretends that he wasn’t waiting for him.

~o~

Zayn walks through his door and step out on his balcony where he sits down and stare at Liam who’s already seated on his own. ”Happy birthday!” He says after a while.

”Thank you.” Liam reply quietly and fiddle with the sleeves of his shirt.

”Did you get anything nice?” Zayn ask, remembering that he himself had gotten an x-box for his own 12th birthday back in January.

Liam shrug his shoulders. ”Not really.” He says.

”Nothing?” Zayn guesses and Liam nods his head, before pointing to his eye which was starting to swell.

”Got this though, I guess that counts for something.” He chuckles awkwardly and Zayn flush in shame.

”I’m sorry I didn’t stop them.” He apologize for his so called friends that liked to bully Liam daily.

”That’s okay.” Liam reply. ”It wouldn’t have made any difference really.” 

”But still…” Zayn trail off. ”I’ll try to get them to stop, Liam, I will.”

”It’s okay, Zayn. You don’t have to do that.” Liam looks up again and smile weakly, his eyes looking empty. ”I’m used to it.”

”You shouldn’t have to be though.” And Zayn knows he’s not just talking abut the bullies in school.

”It is what it is, no big deal.” Liam seem to shake himself out of his thoughts. ”How was your day?”

”It was good. I went into town with Harry, I had to buy a friend of mine a birthday present.” He replies and Liam looks tense all of a sudden, a strained smile gracing his lips.

”Sounds nice. Did you find your friend anything?” Zayn nods his head and pull out a flat, wrapped gift from his backpack.

”You tell me!” And then he’s throwing the present over to Liam’s balcony who’s looking at him in shock.

”What?” He asks in shock. ”It’s-you got it for me?”

”Yeah, of course!” Zayn replies excitedly. ”Open it!”

”No, I, Zayn I can’t. Thank you, but I don’t deserve it.” Liam says and makes a move to throw it back to Zayn.

”No! Liam please, I got it for you. I know it’s not much, but mum cut down on my allowance.” He says and Liam looks close to tears, like he’s never gotten a gift from someone before in his life. And maybe he hasn’t.

”I-um-thank you Zayn.” Liam reply quietly and then unwrap his gift. He sits there quietly just staring at the gift once he’s unwrapped it and Zayn bites down on his lip nervously. ”I-wow-thank you.”

”Like I said, it’s not much. But I thought it would fit you. Sometimes when I have a lot on my mind, I like to write stuff down, and I know you love music so maybe you can write some songs in there too and I-”

”Zayn, it’s perfect, thank you so much. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever gotten me.” And he’s absolutely beaming and Zayn wonder what that fluttering in his stomach that happens every time Liam smiles means.

Liam trace the golden letters that are engraved on the black notebook,  _'Liam'_  is all it says, but it means so much to him. It’s something that is his. It’s something that Zayn got for him with his own money.

Zayn smiles brightly as Liam look up and their eyes meet, because for once, Liam actually look genuinely happy. That is, until they see a car that they hadn’t heard approaching, park on Liam’s driveway. His face falls immediately and he looks at Zayn with something that might scream ‘help’ but Zayn’s scared and he doesn’t really understand. So he say goodnight to Liam and walk back inside, turning up the music when the yelling and the crying becomes too loud.

~o~

They’re fifteen now and Zayn still talks to Liam when they both happen to be out on their balcony’s. Mostly it’s during the night and mostly, it’s when Zayn’s out there smoking. A bad habit he’d just picked up.

Today it was a Tuesday like any other. Except, it wasn’t, not really. It was Liam’s birthday. Zayn still remembered the date. It was little chillier than usual, for being a late August night that is. But he didn’t mind.

His parents had been fighting a lot lately, so anything was better than staying inside to hear them screaming at each other. He knew he wasn’t being the best big brother, standing out here smoking, while his sisters were still inside, but at the moment he couldn’t find it in himself to really care.

Liam showed up when he was about to start on his third cigarette for the night. He looked worse than usual. And not in the way that he had more bruises. He just looked tired and defeated, almost like he’d given up.

Zayn hoped that wasn’t the case.

”Hey.” He says quietly, just like the first time they’d met out here seven years ago. ”Happy birthday.”

Liam looks up at that and Zayn grimace at the fresh looking cut just above Liam’s eyebrow. And then he smiles, it’s barely there, but Zayn still catches it and it still makes his stomach flutter with feelings he doesn’t quite understand. Because his stomach didn’t flutter like that when anyone else smiled at him.

”Hi.” Liam reply. ”You still remember my birthday?”

”Of course I do. You ask me this every year, and I haven’t forgotten yet, have I?” Zayn winks.

”N-no, I just thought. Never mind.” Liam looks down at his lap and sigh. ”Zayn, can I ask you something?”

”Of course.” Zayn inhales and exhales, watching the smoke swirl into nothing. ”You can ask me anything.”

”If I, you know, was someone else, maybe looked a bit different, would you be my friend then?” Zayn tilt his head in confusion at the question and puts out the rest of his cigarette.

”I thought I was you friend?” He asks and Liam shrug his shoulders.

”I meant, would you like, want to be seen with me then?” Liam looks at him with his wide, brown puppy eyes and Zayn feels like someone’s stabbed him in his heart.

”I-I, Liam I, you know I would if-”

”No it’s okay, I’m sorry I asked. It was a stupid question. You have Niall and Harry and Louis, I know they don’t like me. It’s fine.” Liam cut him off and scramble up on his legs.

”Liam, shit, I’m sorry. You know how they are. I tried talking to them, I did. They cut off on their bullying didn’t they? I told them to, I swear!” Zayn exclaim and Liam looks so sad that he doesn’t really know what to do with himself anymore. Because why does it hurt so much seeing Liam sad?

”No, it’s fine, they stopped. They did. I just thought, it’d be nice to have someone you know? To not be completely alone. It was a stupid thought, I know.” Zayn shakes his head.

”No, no it wasn’t. Liam, you’re smart. You’re going to get a scholarship and you’re going to get out of this town and meet someone and you’re going to get married and have beautiful babies and everyone will be jealous of you.” Zayn rambles on and Liam chuckles, although he still sounds sad.

”That’s a nice dream.” Liam replies. ”Maybe I’ll write it down and pray for it to come true.”

”I know it will. One day you’re going to be more successful than anyone else in this town, I promise.” Liam just smile at him before he steps back into his room and Zayn remembers that he forgot to give Liam his gift.

But he figures he’ll save it for another day, another year, he wasn’t quite ready anyway. And maybe Liam wasn’t either. He ignores his ache for another cigarette and slips back into his room when he sees Liam’s dad enter his friend’s room and once again he turn the music up to tune out the screaming.

~o~

On the day of Liam’s seventeenth birthday, Zayn wakes up with a feeling that he can’t seem to shake off. It’s almost like his body is telling him that something’s about to go wrong, that something’s going to happen.

He tries to ignore it for the most part, but he’s unfocused in school and his friends notice it, confront him about it. He ignores them. Just like he ignores the fact that Liam isn’t in school that day.

During all the years Zayn’s known Liam, his friend hasn’t missed a single day of school. Not when he was bruised or bullied or sick. He always showed up, because his studies was all he really had.

He decline his friends offers of hanging out and instead walk home quickly, letting out a huge breath of relief when he goes out onto his balcony and sees Liam on the other side, waiting for him.

”Hey! Happy birthday!” He says quickly with a smile, but it fades when Liam doesn’t even look up. ”Are you ok?”

”I-yeah. I’m fine.” Liam’s fiddling with his hands, a habit of nerves that Zayn had picked up on years ago.

”Okay..what’s wrong then?” Zayn lets out a gasp when Liam finally looks up. His right eye is swollen and looks nasty, turning blue already. He’s got a split lip and it almost looks like his nose is broken.

”Um, I just, I just wanted to say thank you, Zayn. For everything.” Liam mumbles out.

”I don’t understand?” Zayn asks and Liam shrugs his shoulders.

”Just thank you, for being my friend. It’s meant a lot to me.” Liam looks down at his watch. ”I have to go.”

”Oh, I, okay. I’ll see you later then?” Is all Zayn manages to get out in his confusion.

”Mhm.” Liam hums. ”Goodbye Zayn.”

”Bye Liam!” Zayn replies and the feeling he’d woken up with returns as he watches Liam walk out of his house and down the road.  
It stays with him as he walks into the kitchen a few hours later where he catch his mum with a friend, talking about a ‘poor boy who jumped in front of the train’.

He drops the glass he was supposed to refill and run back to his room and out onto the balcony. He stumbles back into the wall as he look into Liam’s room and find a woman there instead, crying her eyes out. He can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t do anything really. It feels like someone’s ripped his heart out and tore it to pieces.

Someone’s next to him suddenly, hugging him, trying to calm him down, trying to get him to tell them what’s wrong. But he can’t. He won’t. He refuse to believe that Liam would do something like that. He wouldn’t. Because Liam was bright and smart and beautiful and he was supposed to leave this town and become successful and happy. He was supposed to have his whole life in front of him. He wasn’t supposed to go like that. He wasn’t supposed to give up. Zayn didn’t even get to..

And then he blacks out and he dreams of Liam. Liam who’s smiling and laughing and looking happy.

When he wakes up again, it’s to the doorbell ringing and a few seconds later his mum walks into the room, clutching something black in her hands and Zayn shakes his head because it can’t be. ”Mrs. Payne came over with this, she thought you might want to read it.” And it is. It is the black notebook Zayn had given Liam back when they were twelve and Zayn didn’t really have any money but he still spent them all on getting Liam engraved in gold because he knew that was one of his favorite colors.

And then he’s crying. Because as he flips through the pages, they’re not filled with what Zayn thought they’d be. Liam seems almost, happy, writing about him. Writing about the time they spent talking to each other on their balcony’s. And as Zayn comes across the word love on several occasions, he wishes he could go back to when they were fifteen and he forgot to give Liam his gift. Because he was ready and now it’s too late.

As he comes across the last page and all it says is  _'Thank you Zayn'_ , he feels like he might give up too.

**Author's Note:**

> My first post in this site, hope you like it! :)


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